ShopDreamUp AI ArtDreamUp
Deviation Actions
Literature Text
I can listen to everything you have to say
And try my best to make you feel better
Make the difficult times easier for you
I can hold you close and make everything else disappear
Let you take out your anger and frustration
Promise not to go anywhere
I can tell you I won't leave you when things start to fall apart
But that doesn't mean you would do the same
When things start to get hard
I can love you with all of my heart
Miss you so much it hurts to breathe
But that won't make you come back
Make you want to be with me
I can try to convince myself that there's someone else out there for me
That you don't still own my heart
I don't know if I'll ever truly be over you
But I can try to be
And try my best to make you feel better
Make the difficult times easier for you
I can hold you close and make everything else disappear
Let you take out your anger and frustration
Promise not to go anywhere
I can tell you I won't leave you when things start to fall apart
But that doesn't mean you would do the same
When things start to get hard
I can love you with all of my heart
Miss you so much it hurts to breathe
But that won't make you come back
Make you want to be with me
I can try to convince myself that there's someone else out there for me
That you don't still own my heart
I don't know if I'll ever truly be over you
But I can try to be
Literature
Not Good Enough
Not good enough for me,
not good enough for you,
maybe all the insults
are simply what's true.
What can I say?
Nothing, I'm done,
so sick and tired
of having to run.
So this is the end,
the last puzzle piece,
the very last straw,
the pain will soon cease.
I won't have to struggle.
There will be no pain,
and everyone's lives
will go on quite the same.
Because I am just me.
The greatest disappointment of all.
So say good-bye,
as I start my free fall.
Literature
My secret
Let me tell you a secret
So listen carefully...
If you
if you take my hand
but let me lead
If you
If you would just trust me
when I say I'm not like them
If you
If you show me mercy
by wiping the tears of my cheeks when I'm sad
If you
If you let me feel home, safe and protected
just hug me tight and never let go
If you
If you would just have faith in me
Then I promise you one thing
I promise you will never ever have to be alone again
I promise you that love...
Literature
Little Bird Afraid
I was singing my heart out through all of the tears
Like a bird chirping in sorrow through a waterfall
All of my friends had long since taken to the sky
And with my lungs full of air I sung out one last call
I had spread my wings out as wide as they would go
To show the world there was potential in me
But I was never brave enough to take flight with them
So was unable to become who I was meant to be
Now I will sing my song to the world one last time
In hope that someone just like me will hear my words
May they echo over the mountains and the seas
Until they meet someone’s ear and can be heard
I want to inspire others to live their li
Suggested Collections
Featured in Groups
Another sad poem about heartbreak
Product of a little Coke and Rum
Cheers.
Product of a little Coke and Rum
Cheers.
© 2012 - 2024 SevereWeather
Comments17
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
Firstly, I'm unsure about the title, as it seems to give away a lot of what the piece is about. I know, from personal experience, that titles are hard to come by, but I really feel that this piece needs a different title.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza
L = Line
I have three main issues with this piece.
1. Punctuation:
I know that some people say that punctuation is style related, and in some (very few) cases I can see their point. However, this isn't one of those cases. A line break does not automatically indicate a pause, breath, comma or period. In fact, it indicates the opposite. It is called enjambment and it means that you read the line all in one breath as if you were reading a normal sentence.
Thus:
I saw the sheep
and the sheep saw me.
and
I saw the sheep and the sheep saw me.
Are both read in exactly the same way.
This piece would really benefit from punctuation, especially commas and periods. They would show where you specifically want sections to pause or end, and would help the readers in knowing what you want to bring across.
2. Cliché:
This is a very cliché piece. The topic (loving someone, losing them and not being able to get over them properly) has been written about many times, and I had hoped to see something new and interesting. Unfortunately I was disappointed to see that it sounds similar to so many other poems in this genre. I know it's hard to bring overused topics to life in an original way, but maybe consider some metaphors or other poetic devices (similes, alliteration, hyperbole, climax, anti-climax, etc) to help you.
3. Emotion:
This piece speaks about emotion, but there seems to be no emotion within it. It doesn't make me feel anything, except slightly sorry for the speaker. I think that using more description of feelings, combined with things like metaphors, would aid you greatly here.
Overall:
Your grammar is very good, but you need more punctuation.
Try to bring across more emotion and try to bring it across in an original way.
Jo
Firstly, I'm unsure about the title, as it seems to give away a lot of what the piece is about. I know, from personal experience, that titles are hard to come by, but I really feel that this piece needs a different title.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = LineI have three main issues with this piece.
1. Punctuation:
I know that some people say that punctuation is style related, and in some (very few) cases I can see their point. However, this isn't one of those cases. A line break does not automatically indicate a pause, breath, comma or period. In fact, it indicates the opposite. It is called enjambment and it means that you read the line all in one breath as if you were reading a normal sentence.
Thus:
I saw the sheep
and the sheep saw me.
and
I saw the sheep and the sheep saw me.
Are both read in exactly the same way.
This piece would really benefit from punctuation, especially commas and periods. They would show where you specifically want sections to pause or end, and would help the readers in knowing what you want to bring across.
2. Cliché:
This is a very cliché piece. The topic (loving someone, losing them and not being able to get over them properly) has been written about many times, and I had hoped to see something new and interesting. Unfortunately I was disappointed to see that it sounds similar to so many other poems in this genre. I know it's hard to bring overused topics to life in an original way, but maybe consider some metaphors or other poetic devices (similes, alliteration, hyperbole, climax, anti-climax, etc) to help you.
3. Emotion:
This piece speaks about emotion, but there seems to be no emotion within it. It doesn't make me feel anything, except slightly sorry for the speaker. I think that using more description of feelings, combined with things like metaphors, would aid you greatly here.
Overall:
Your grammar is very good, but you need more punctuation.
Try to bring across more emotion and try to bring it across in an original way.
Jo