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:iconsevereweather: More from SevereWeather

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Submitted on
March 4, 2013
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31 (who?)
Waking up to see your face
Is my favorite way to start the day.
Knowing my reality is as good as a dream
Makes me grateful for how we got this way.

I was scared,
But I don't think you could tell.
I decided to take the plunge
And immediately, I fell.

Your arms feel like home.
Welcoming my body into a comforting embrace.
You've left an impression on my heart,
A permanent mark I can't erase.

We share each other's happiness
As well as the pain.
But we both remember what's important,
Like when we're kissing in the rain.

I was drowning,
And you brought me to safety.
I wasn't sure I was ready,
Then you changed everything.
Another attempt at writing something happy. I'm really not very good at this. I tend to be very cliche. Any help that is offered is greatly appreciated!
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HuntingForHappiness Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hi, I'm critiquing for :icongrammarnazicritiques:. :wave:

You did succeed at making this a happy poem here; you're also right, though, that it could be a bit less cliché. 

The thing with love poetry is that there's so much of it that if you're not careful, what you write can feel a lot like what's already there.  A lot of these images and concepts are actually pretty decent, but the problem is how familiar they feel.  The best advice I can give, which may be obvious, is to really think outside the box with how you describe things.  There are lots of ways to say the same thing, so it's important to think of whether what you've got is the most impactful one.  A line like "Your arms feel like home" could be, for example, be made "your arms are shelter."  That's a quick example, and maybe not the best either, but things like that are important to consider: how can I say this differently?  Your other poems, I've noticed, do this better.  They feel more natural as well.

It's hard to explain in a really detailed way how to make things more unique, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say.  If not, do feel free to let me know.  Anyway, there are a few other things worth mentioning.

The rhymes in this are pretty decent overall.  A way you could really improve them would be to work on the rhythm of the poem.  Without rhythm, the rhymes feel kind of strange and forced, and the only way to change that, really, is by working on the rhythm.  That could mean removing, adding, and/or changing your words and phrases.  The best way to tell if it's working or not is to just read the poem out loud, and see if it feels right.  If it doesn't, you'll know there's some more editing to be done.  But when it's right, you'll know it.  Again, if you aren't sure of places that need help or want more detail about it, please feel free to ask.

Overall, I think this is a decent poem, just with some flaws that hold it back a bit.  Your poems after this actually improve on some of the stuff I mentioned, so you're on the right track, and I hope you keep up the good work!
Kurosaki224 Apr 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is simply beautiful :heart:
SevereWeather Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Kurosaki224 Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Welcome :)
Katragoness Apr 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like it. It's honest, to the point, and the only reason it'd be clique is cause you speak of this love saving you. Which isn't clique, it's beautiful. :) I love every bit of it.
SevereWeather Apr 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :)
Foreststone Mar 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
A friendly critique from a random deviant :D
First off, you don't need to capitalize the beggining of each stanza for example you have:
Waking up to see your face
Is my favorite way to start the day.
Knowing my reality is as good as a dream
Makes me grateful for how we got this way.

It should be (well most poets write this way):
Waking up to see your face
is my favorite way to start the day.
Knowing my reality is as good as a dream
makes me grateful for how we got this way.

This is just how most poets write :)

Another thing is, it is a tad bit cliche but not as much as you think! I think you could fix this by thinking of a more unique aspect of changing this. Maybe throw in a twist? I'm not sure what but that is up to you ;)

It is a beuatiful poem though!

Posting on behalf of #ProjectComment :iconprojectcomment:
WiNGz69 Mar 4, 2013  Student Writer
You did great. I don't see it as cliche. Beautifully written, well done :).
rocky-loves-emily Mar 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I love this, what do you think is cliché about it?
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