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Poetry by nightshade-keyblade

Words, Words by RedsoulTayki


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Submitted on
September 6, 2012
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What if you had succeeded last year
Took enough to make your world go black
Those three words I would never hear
The friendship we wouldn't have got back

What if I hadn't asked to see you
Had already moved on
Did you want to see me too
Or were you already too far gone

What if you hadn't decided I was important again
I was only a vague memory
Where would we have needed to begin
For you to remember me

What if we hadn't got back together
Would we be better friends
Forget about you, I could never
I don't want this to be the end
Thinking about what could have happened is terrifying.
I wouldn't change a thing. You're still here. That's what matters.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 15, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, the impression I get from this piece is of one half of a dying friendship/love trying to kill themself and then suddenly the friendship/love gets better and they are reunited.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

Punctuation, or the lack thereof, actually spoils this piece. One doesn't know where to breathe or just continue. Punctuation is an important tool, when used with rhyme, to produce rhythm and flow. You have structured this well, but your rhythm is off because of the lack of punctuation (and because of your meter, but we will address that later). Remember, a line break doesn't indicate a pause.

Your rhyme is generally good, up until the third line of the fourth stanza. There you have forced rhyme (where you have changed the correct grammatical order of the sentence to place the rhyming word at the end). The sentence should read 'I could never forget about you'.

Meter, or the amount of syllables per line, is also an important tool when used with rhyme to create the natural rhythm of the piece. I normally allow for a margin of two syllables either way, so if your shortest line is 4, your middle line 6, your longest should be 8. (But this is just a personal preference). When you have lines that are too long or too short they spoil the rhythm.
Let's look at your ST's:
ST 1:
9, 9, 8, 9 (nice and uniform)

ST 2:
9, 6, 7, 9 (a little bit of a longer line for the last one, but it works alright)

ST 3:
15, 9, 9, 7 (as you can see, L1 is far too long)

ST 4:
10, 6, 9, 8 (again you push the boundaries, but it works)

Grammar:
ST 1 L2 - 'Took' should be 'taken'
ST 1 L4 - 'got' should be 'gotten'
ST 4 L1 - 'got' should be 'gotten'

Overall:
It's a bit of a cliché, but you have personalised it enough to make it just original enough.

:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconmiesjelluh:
Miesjelluh Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012
this is véry well written. it touches me and I guess that's what poetry is all about.
also, I'm glad your friend is still there. amazing work! well done
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
Wow. This is a really powerful piece. I'm glad that your friend was okay. :hug:

I feel like the rhyme scheme here is forcing you into some odd grammatical patterns. I think if you lost the rhyme, you'd have a much stronger work. This is really personal, though, and that experience and emotion shines through.

Lovely. :heart:
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The rhyming was awkward in some spots, but the way I write is just my thoughts spilling onto paper. It takes me 5 to 10 minutes and I don't touch it after I'm done.
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:iconwinterkate:
winterkate Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2012  Student Writer
Hmm....that's a good method if you're writing for catharsis, but if you ever want to enter a competition, I might try one or two edits. Still, it's very good.
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