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:iconsevereweather: More from SevereWeather


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Literature by ToMbOyFiGhTeR

Emo by DeathReaper101


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Submitted on
November 22, 2012
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The dream shatters around me like a broken mirror.
Pieces of you surround me, but nothing seems to be clear.

I'm still cleaning up the mess you made.
You should have put down your fear,
You could have stayed.
I'm done chasing.
I've stopped running.
Have you even noticed that I'm walking the other way?

I'm cut by the shards of what's left of who you were.
Red tears stain the surface while the world is in a blur.
Something I just started working on about 10 minutes ago. Experimenting with a different kind of song writing. Might finish this, might not. Product of being home with too much time to think.
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:iconjokulfrostiguardian:
JoKuLFrOsTiGuArDiAn Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
you hit home right there. especially with the dream part. if you care to even hear my sob story, youcan note me? idk. beautiful
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad you like it. If you would like to share your story with me feel free. I will listen.
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:iconjokulfrostiguardian:
JoKuLFrOsTiGuArDiAn Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
its just. my bestest best best friend in the whole existence, is a guy. evryone thinks we're dating, but we're not. he knows everything about me. i know everything about him. and, quite frankly, i love him. but for a month now, he hasnt spoken to me. wont even look at me. and idont know what to do. my lifes had alot of downs. he was the one constant good thing. he wiped away my tears, made me smile, picked me up, helped me be strong. and now, ifeelalone,andlike im going crazy.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, critiquing lyrics is particularly hard without the melody, it is also particularly hard for me because I haven't been exposed to a lot of different types of music. However, I will give this a go.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

I think this is something you should carry on with, especially if you wrote it in roughly 10 minutes. It has the potential to be quite good.

You have punctuated this nicely, which shows where one needs to breathe just as phrasing in music shows where 'breaths' are.

My only concern would be the middle section, which for the sake of this critique I will name the chorus. You have some good rhymes in there, but the line 'I've stopped running' offsets the rhythm and makes it sound clunky in a way. Personally I would delete this line entirely as it would make the chorus more rhythmic.

Overall, I like this piece and the way it is written.

:star::star::star::star::star-half:
Jo
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:iconcounting-vertebrae:
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Writer
Nice piece. :)
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
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:iconcounting-vertebrae:
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome
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:iconmanda-panda-stuff:
Manda-Panda-Stuff Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I enjoyed reading this piece. I think you should finish it. c:
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I'll sure try
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:iconmanda-panda-stuff:
Manda-Panda-Stuff Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Great :D
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