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:iconsevereweather: More from SevereWeather


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poetry by travelrose

Literature by randomkiwibirds

Written Stuff by Shatteredlinez


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Submitted on
July 31, 2012
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692 bytes
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If you love me, let me know
I don't mean to beg
But please don't let me go

If you don't want me, tell me now
I'll be able to handle it
Even if I don't know how

If you don't want to see me, give it to me straight
I'll walk out of your life
But I'll never forget your face

If you want my friendship, don't be afraid to ask
I'm willing to move forward
The rest is in the past

Just let me know what it is you want
And I'll be happy to do so
To me your happiness means so much
I'm willing to let you go
I know you'll probably never read this, but I hope with all my heart that you find the girl worth staying with. I just want you to be happy.
And now I'm crying. Shit.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, although it is a bit obvious and gives away what the poem is about, I do really like your title.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

Here you are tackling a rather cliché theme of letting go of someone who doesn't love you back (or once did but doesn't anymore). Things such as 'I'll never forget your face' and 'I'm willing to move forward' become cliché and overused and should be avoided.

That said, this is a very emotional piece and you have handled that extremely well. While I do feel that it is cliché, the emotions are well and truly yours portrayed in the manner you meant them to be.

You also rhyme, and your rhyme is good in this piece. It has great rhythm to it and you have handled the meter well as well.

The only thing I see that is lacking is punctuation. A line break doesn't indicate a pause, comma or period, in fact it indicates the opposite, that the line should be read on as if there is no pause. Consider:
I saw the sheep
but he didn't see

vs

I saw the sheep but he didn't see

Both are read in the same manner.
I would like to see some commas and periods within this piece, as it will also aid the rhythm you have created with your fantastic rhyme.

Overall:
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty:
Jo
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:icondarkxprincess143:
Darkxprincess143 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I'm crying!! T.T it's so beautiful!!
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. I'm sorry it made you cry :/
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:icondarkxprincess143:
Darkxprincess143 Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't apologize I cried because it was amazing and it really touched my heart ^.^"
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:iconmebutrealized:
MebutREAlizeD Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
aww :/
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah..
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:iconamiprodigy:
AmIProdigy Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I actually feel the same way about a guy...
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sorry you know what this feels like too. Nobody should have to feel this way.
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:iconamiprodigy:
AmIProdigy Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
yeah it can be pretty hard
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:iconamiprodigy:
AmIProdigy Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
wow, these words are very obviously from your heart. this is amazing. it is incredibly hard to find poetry of this quality that is heartfelt.
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