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:iconsevereweather: More from SevereWeather


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January 12, 2013
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When you take my hand,
my breath goes with it.

You're like a book that's too suspenseful to put down.
You keep me wanting to turn the pages to watch the story unfold.

The surprises seem infinite.
With each detail I learn,
I become even more thankful that you came into my life.

Like a song on repeat for hours,
I never tire of seeing your smile or hearing your voice.

With you,
the adventures are endless.
You never cease to amaze me.

Each day that passes,
I fall a little more.
And I know you're there to catch me
before I hit the floor.
This is my attempt at writing something happy.
I don't think it's too bad actually.
I'm kind of proud of it haha
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:iconposhsingularity:
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013  Professional Artist
from [link]

This actually seems really sad, I'm not sure if subconsciously maybe you put some words in here that generate a somber feeling?

breath goes, suspenseful, put down, repeat for hours, hit the floor

It's interesting, though. As if happiness is here defined as something that temporarily interferes with sadness and mortal dread.
It could be pretty deep if you ran with that a little more.

Again, not sure if that's subconscious.

All in all, I would say your opening is the richest part of this poem:

"When you take my hand,
my breath goes with it"

Kind of clever; it's been used before, but doesn't seem to be too overdone.

Some other lines seem to run on a bit long, and complicate the flow.
I can't recommend strongly enough sticking to a more consistent meter, otherwise longer lines will seem like a real mouthful and make it hard to read aloud.

This line in particular:

"You keep me wanting to turn the pages to watch the story unfold."

If you've stretched it really far like the previous line, the next should probably come shorter.

Also situations like this:

"The surprises seem infinite.
With each detail I learn,
I become even more thankful that you came into my life."

The last line runs on quite long and keeps the reader from getting into the flow of the poem; I would shift some words up to the central line to make it the longest.

Free verse is the easiest kind of poetry to write, and IMO the absolute hardest kind of poetry to write well. Most writers get distracted by the words. Like not seeing the forest through the trees.

You might try writing in another language, or just in nonsense, so you let go of the meanings behind the words and can really feel the flow of the spoken word as you read it, and where the emphasis really falls as you move through the poem.
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:icontsuki-no-me:
Tsuki-No-Me Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013
"You're like a book that's too suspenseful to put down"

Aw. I love that metaphor!! Amazingly written <3
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
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:iconmessie2624:
messie2624 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Nice work!
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
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:iconmessie2624:
messie2624 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome
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:iconnuclearjackal:
NuclearJackal Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
My Finnish lass showed me this lovely poem ^___^

You speak the voices of our souls
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :) that means a lot to me
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:iconnurserozetta95:
NurseRozetta95 Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome and thank you, from both of us ;)
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:iconappa-appa-away:
appa-appa-away Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful :heart:
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