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Literature by NekoWolf95

literature by Mylene2511


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Submitted on
August 1, 2012
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I can listen to everything you have to say
And try my best to make you feel better
Make the difficult times easier for you

I can hold you close and make everything else disappear
Let you take out your anger and frustration
Promise not to go anywhere

I can tell you I won't leave you when things start to fall apart
But that doesn't mean you would do the same
When things start to get hard

I can love you with all of my heart
Miss you so much it hurts to breathe
But that won't make you come back
Make you want to be with me

I can try to convince myself that there's someone else out there for me
That you don't still own my heart
I don't know if I'll ever truly be over you
But I can try to be
Another sad poem about heartbreak
Product of a little Coke and Rum
Cheers.
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:iconmagicaljoey:
MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:icongrammarnazicritiques:

Firstly, I'm unsure about the title, as it seems to give away a lot of what the piece is about. I know, from personal experience, that titles are hard to come by, but I really feel that this piece needs a different title.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

I have three main issues with this piece.

1. Punctuation:
I know that some people say that punctuation is style related, and in some (very few) cases I can see their point. However, this isn't one of those cases. A line break does not automatically indicate a pause, breath, comma or period. In fact, it indicates the opposite. It is called enjambment and it means that you read the line all in one breath as if you were reading a normal sentence.
Thus:

I saw the sheep
and the sheep saw me.

and

I saw the sheep and the sheep saw me.

Are both read in exactly the same way.
This piece would really benefit from punctuation, especially commas and periods. They would show where you specifically want sections to pause or end, and would help the readers in knowing what you want to bring across.

2. Cliché:
This is a very cliché piece. The topic (loving someone, losing them and not being able to get over them properly) has been written about many times, and I had hoped to see something new and interesting. Unfortunately I was disappointed to see that it sounds similar to so many other poems in this genre. I know it's hard to bring overused topics to life in an original way, but maybe consider some metaphors or other poetic devices (similes, alliteration, hyperbole, climax, anti-climax, etc) to help you.

3. Emotion:
This piece speaks about emotion, but there seems to be no emotion within it. It doesn't make me feel anything, except slightly sorry for the speaker. I think that using more description of feelings, combined with things like metaphors, would aid you greatly here.

Overall:
Your grammar is very good, but you need more punctuation.
Try to bring across more emotion and try to bring it across in an original way.

:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty:
Jo
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:iconcopperfrost:
Copperfrost Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012  Student General Artist
:iconcraiplz: :iconsupertighthugplz:
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:iconwinterrosebrownart:
winterrosebrownart Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this...I can truly relate to this and the emotions
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. That's the goal.
Reply
:iconhaakon95:
haakon95 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012
so powerfull!
Reply
:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks
Reply
:iconfelicia-neko:
Felicia-Neko Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
sad but powerfull..
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
Reply
:iconpurpleink777:
PurpleInk777 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012
:iconrightthumbsupplz::iconimcoolplz::iconlefthumbsupplz:

Although the nature of the poem is sad; I love the sensation of feeling the heartbreak you describe! Very well written!

:iconhappyfellaavatar:
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
Reply
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