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:iconsevereweather: More from SevereWeather


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November 16, 2012
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The dream shatters around me
Like a broken mirror.

Looking at the wreckage,
My reflection unrecognizable.

A broken image.
A broken heart.

I'm cut by the shards
As I try to piece it back together.

My blood sprinkles the surface
Like a red rain.

The mirror is whole again.
What's left of the dream.

I look at my reflection,
And tears finally begin to fall.
I'm not sure where this came from.
Cliche and doesn't make sense.
This is me.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

I have too much time to think already. Can I go back to college now?
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:icontheglassiris:
TheGlassIris Featured By Owner May 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Hello, I will be critiquing your piece on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:. I will do my best to help by suggesting improvements that can be made and general feedback on aesthetic appeal.

First Impressions
The dream shatters around me
Like a broken mirror. (It's a basic but interesting image.)

Looking at the wreckage,
My reflection unrecognizable. (It's taking a while to get anywhere, but still the language is decent.)

A broken image.
A broken heart.(There's a million better ways to describe heartbreak.)

I'm cut by the shards
As I try to piece it back together. (The language is beginning to wander.)

My blood sprinkles the surface
Like a red rain. (This is melodramatic and could be worded better.)

The mirror is whole again.
What's left of the dream. (Confusing.)

I look at my reflection,
And tears finally begin to fall. (Repression of sorrow. This could be a good image but needs to be set up better.)

Final Impressions

While much of the language is succinct, not a lot of it piques my interest. It's not rich or original, a lot of it is just well-boiled. On its own it stands to scrutiny but doesn't really perform well either. To improve this piece, try reading some poets who work with dark themes like Mina Loy's "Lunar Baedeker" [link], T.S. Eliot's "Rhapsody on a Windy Night" [link], and Sylvia Plath's "Mad Girl's Love Song" [link]. Each uses darkness in interesting ways without ever having to resort to trite language or overdone imagery.

The beginning lines could easily lead into a deeper part of the psyche that houses torment and blueness. But of course this needs to be solidified. Symbols like a house or a garden are good for providing a stage which emotion can play out on. If you don't want to do that there are other ways of making the typically melodramatic and "emo" pieces better by providing a context that pulls a reader in.

It's really about where you want to go in this piece. You have your options available to you but just choosing to improve on your work is enough.
Hope this helps.
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:icongeekgirl97:
GeekGirl97 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is really beautiful :33 :heart: it feels a lot of pain, but at the same time, a lot of truth

I guess truth is painful :C
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. and it can be.
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:icongeekgirl97:
GeekGirl97 Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcome ^^
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:icontalentlessartlover:
TalentlessArtlover Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
At the risk of sounding like a complete tool I must say, your piece makes painful sense but IMHO it's been one upped by a line in your description. "We accept the love we think we deserve." :clap:
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
What does IMHO mean? and I love that quote, so I thought I would add that in.
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:icontalentlessartlover:
TalentlessArtlover Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012
in my honest opinion :)
It's a most excellent quote, indeed.
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:iconnightfall16:
nightfall16 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Digital Artist
beautiful and very emotional :)
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:iconsevereweather:
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you
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