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Literature by Copperfrost

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Submitted on
August 22, 2012
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21 (who?)
I figured it out
I don't miss you
I miss being loved
Being held close and kissed
Having someone who cared for me
To laugh with and dance with
Being looked at the way you looked at me

I know I still care deeply for you
And hope you make good decisions
But I am not in love with you
Pain changes people
It taught me what is best for me
How to be happy with myself

I miss our friendship
Talking with you
And learning so much
You don't realize how much you taught me
Someday we might get that friendship back
Even if we don't,if our paths ever cross in life again
I will smile at you and remember the days I loved my best friend
This isn't meant to be harsh at all, I've just realized a lot of things in the past few weeks and I can't continue to chase someone who doesn't love me anymore. After doing it for so long I guess I just got used to it and then one day I realized that I wasn't in love anymore. I do love him, just not in the same way as I would in a relationship.

This took me a good week to write instead of 10 minutes like every other thing I've written the past few months. There will probably still be more posts like this, because I can be a sad person, but not near as often. I am very happy with life right now :)
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MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of

Firstly, while this is still a cliché 'goodbye love' poem, it is more original than most of the pieces of yours I have critiqued so far. It also shows how much you have matured in your writing from the almost whiny 'I want you back' to this realisation.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

My main concern here is punctuation. Some people argue that it is style, and there are rare pieces where I agree that punctuation is not needed, but unfortunately this is not one of those pieces. Punctuation helps you tell your story. It tells your readers when to pause, when there is suspense coming, when they should periodically stop for a break before continuing on to the next line or ST. Line breaks do not indicate punctuation, as I think I have mentioned before, instead they indicate that one should continue reading through as if it's a single sentence. This means that, barring the one comma in ST 3, this poem should technically be read all in one breath. This would spoil the emotion within the poem and the realisations that the speaker has reached.

ST 3, L6 - you need a space after the comma
ST 3, L6/7 - You have some in-congruency here. If the 'paths never cross' as you mention in L6 then how can one 'smile at you' as you write in L7. I would suggest removing the 'at you' in L7 and just have it 'I will smile and remember...' as this makes the lines agree with each other.

Overall I am more happy with critiquing this piece than with your others that I have done so far. This piece shows emotional maturity. You mentioned that it took you a week to write, and the time spent on it shows in the writing, readability and relatability of the piece.

Copperfrost Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Student General Artist
I'm glad you're happy :3
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks :)
Copperfrost Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Student General Artist
You're welcome :3
Felicia-Neko Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love this.... and I'm glad you are happy with youe life :) it's a beautiful thing when people can see life like this :)
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I agree :) it was a wonderful realization for me. It also helps that me and the guy are kind of friends.
Felicia-Neko Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
that's great :)
eurybiades Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
Yay for you!
Glad you're feeling happier, honestly though how is it possible for anyone NOT to love you? You literally have no flaws
SevereWeather Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are very kind :)
eurybiades Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2012
thanks, however i'm completely serious. Breaking up with you is like throwing away gold platinum and diamond rolled together
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